Addicted to Judge Judy? You have company...
By Sharon O’Hara, M.A., LMFT
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"Maybe I’ll just watch this for a minute," I said to myself while channel surfing every morning, with the relentless denial of every addict known to mankind. So I checked out the talk shows, I checked out the game shows, I even checked out the soap operas. But remember, I am a Woman of the New Millennium, which is code for "I Don’t Even Fantasize About Getting a Guy to Support Me," so forget the soap operas. And I can’t even remember to take my gingko, so forget trying to remember such game show trivia as "Which actor played Samantha’s third husband on Bewitched?"
Meanwhile, although initially amusing, the talk shows all seemed to have the same basic pool of invective-shouting, hair-pulling, fist-wielding overweight celebrity wannabes as guests. I found myself wondering if these folks might actually be studio wrestlers in the larval stage, unable to find the right agent—or wardrobe--in order to cash in on that great American pastime: Being a Bully.
Than I fell in love. With Judge Judy, no less, who could easily be described as the Greatest Bully on Television. And, like all great loves, this one defies understanding. There’s just something about that snappy Ann-Landers-nasal voice in the little lace collar, shaping up those righteous plaintiffs and quick-to-interrupt defendants. "Are you attempting to talk over me?" she’ll say, raising her eyebrows ominously to some hulking ex-boyfriend, who is trying to get out of paying his old girlfriend the $500 he spent using her cell phone to call his new girlfriend.
Judge Judy’s voice always unmistakably says, "I not only have your number, you lying little worm, but unlike your mother I have the power to make you pay!" Of course, when you read the fine print at the end of the show you find out that both parties are "paid from a fund for their appearance." Hmmm, so that’s why they’re both willing to come on national TV and air their dirty emotional laundry. Neither is actually going to lose their own money—they’re just going to play with the Judge Judy producers’ money. In fact, for all we know, these so-called plaintiffs/defendants may come from the same invective-shouting, hair-pulling school of acting that all the talk show guests seem to have attended.
But I don’t really care. I am hopelessly hooked. I have taken to scheduling all other activities around Judge Judy’s air times: she’s on at 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., unless preempted by some stupid baseball game. Like all addictions, I have to admit that my obsession is escalating. I have located other judge shows. Lo and behold, there is a Judge Joe Brown at 10 a.m., Judge Mills Lane at 11 a.m. and the People’s Court with former New York City mayor Ed Koch at 1 p.m. Once I even happened upon Judge Wapner doing Animal Court around 9:30 p.m. on some cable channel which doesn’t even show up in the TV listings (I actually looked. Twice.)
Now I’m watching all of these judge shows all the time. And let me tell you, it’s hard to squeeze in any real work between 3:30 and 6 p.m., which is the only part of the day left after this exhausting day in court TV land. My friends have had it with me. They may even be calling in Betty Ford to arrange a little intervention. However, I have learned a few things which I thought I would share with you readers who may not have seen any of these shows due to the fact that you are probably working for a living.
I will call these little gems "Life Lessons Learned From Judge Judy," and they can be summarized as follows:
1. If you are a lovesick girl, NEVER lend your out-of-work boyfriend any money. This is particularly stupid if you do it, say, 14 times in a row, which will earn you a scathing lecture from Judge Judy and only half your money back because you need to pay something for simply being stupid.
2. If you are a lovesick boy, NEVER give your girlfriend a diamond ring and then attempt to get it back after she dumps you for her new lover, your roommate. You should have "borrowed" her cell phone instead, in which case you could have: a) found out who she is calling behind your back, and b) run up cell phone bills to equal the cost of the diamond ring, thereby equalizing the debt and causing Judge Judy to call the whole thing a wash.
3. If you are a landlord, NEVER rent your basement to either a lovesick girl or lovesick boy because they will get so involved in mutual recriminations as they’re waiting for their air date on Judge Judy that they will neglect to pay their rent for months on end. And, one or the other will trash the place before they leave.
4. If you are a dog owner, pay up. Yes, your dog did it. Killed the littler dog, bit the little girl’s leg, left the duty on the chemically treated lawn, whatever. It’s time to face facts: that cute little barky-poo is a felon in disguise. And it’s not going to help by showing the judge how cute the little feller is by lifting his struggling furry body up in your protective arms. PAY UP. You could have saved the money you spent at the dog groomer getting Bruno ready for TV and given that to the plaintiff. (Of course, then we would have had to see yet another case of the lovesick girl trying to get her money back from the deadbeat boyfriend, so . . . what the heck, bring that furry critter in, he is kind of cute.)
I would like to report that I am making progress weaning myself, a little at a time, from Judge Judy and her courtroom pals. I actually passed up both Judge Joe Brown and Judge Mills Lane in order to write this column. (OK, I peeked after the last paragraph but they were on a commercial.) But hey, The People’s Court will be on in 20 minutes, and you can’t expect me to go cold turkey, can you?
It’s always possible that they will have on some plaintiff other than a lovesick boy or girl, someone who has an actual legal problem, say. Yeah, I know, just a fantasy. But isn’t that the nature of addiction, doing the same thing over and over, hoping it will turn out differently? At least you can count on Judge Judy to do her thing. She always knows that she’s right. And in this uncertain world, getting a hit of Judge Judy at least lets me live in the momentary illusion that there is structure in the universe.
(If you copy this article for others, please copy the following author bio as well):
Sharon O’Hara, M.A., Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, has a private practice in the South Bay area of Los Angeles, specializing in treating men and women with sexual addiction or other relationship problems. She is also the Chairperson of the National Council of Sex Addiction, California Chapter. She can be reached via email at sharonohara@aol.com, via snail mail at 3250 W. Lomita Blvd, Suite 202, Torrance, CA 90505, or by phone at (310) 326-5534.